Narrative Note

Medications & My Mental "Tug of War"

As I have previously stated I do not like to take medication.
Throughout life there have been numerous times that taking a common medication has made me feel completely miserable... I know now that it has all been related to my in-born metabolism issues.
Today I have become familiar with some medications that do not make me feel badly, in fact they help me feel better... so why do I struggle mentally to take them as prescribed?
I worry that if I take a drug to treat a problem and I need to take it too frequently to manage the problem...my body may become dependent on the drug... instead of trying to self-regulate.
For example:
I am constantly battling insomnia...
I have two types of trouble... falling asleep and staying asleep.
I also have a BIG problem with Non-Restful-Sleep...
I feel unrested and tired upon waking.
Ativan and Naproxen can often calm my
"Haphazard Nervous System Fireworks"
(racing thoughts...sudden muscle jerks...racing heart...stabbing/shooting pains...terrible headaches)
I can often catch a "decent" night's sleep/rest when I take 0.5mg of Ativan, 500mg of Naproxen and 400mg of Magnesium.
When I rest well, I feel SO much better the next day!
Then I will get concerned because perhaps I have used the medication for the past two nights so I refuse to take it on night three, thinking that I don't want my body to loose the ability to self regulate and calm itself down...so I get a poor night's sleep and the dominoes begin to fall, cascading into the next day, creating increased problems.
Perhaps my nervous system does have episodes of time that it looses the ability to self-regulate...to calm itself...I feel it firing out of control and it scares me.
I guess the best plan is one of balancing addictive caution and symptom management.