Saturday, August 20, 2011

If Not A Nurse...Then What???

As I left my doctor's visit it went through my brain...
What if I am unable to continue as a Nurse???
What if I need to consider permanent disability?
I am definitely unstable, unreliable and my illness is easily triggered!
I have spent my entire life setting nursing career goals!
I spent some time mourning the potential loss of continuing an active nursing career.
I spent more time crying and trying to figure out where I go from her?
Who am I?
What makes me...well what makes
Granted my emotional and psychiatric states were pretty unstable for a while... but these thoughts stayed on my mind even after the new medicine "kicked in".
Staying home on Social Security Disability, in my mind was equal to my career dying.
Being a nurse allowed me to focus on the needs of others...which took the focus off me.
Being a nurse allowed me to feel like I make a difference in the world.
How will I make a difference in the world now?? Struggling some days, just to make it through the day???
Then I remember... "God is in my heart" even when I am absolutely miserable!! My Life Has A Purpose... and it is NOT always about me. I am learning to "Let Go"... I am learning to "Let Life Just Happen"... I am learning how to prioritize "life's really important objectives"... I am learning to apply my nursing experience, knowledge, skills and abilities toward other life activities (writing) and aspects (family)... I am learning that I can still make a difference and direction will come when I stop fighting against the current... accepting and loving myself as I am... where I am.

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